having-a-child-becoming-a-parent-jane-doh-blog

Please don’t have a child.

…if you plan on doing even one of the following things to your child at some point. I don’t care if it’s once or always, or that this post is basically me bashing the fuck out of my parents because I still have a lot of anger towards how two well-educated individuals could go so wrong in bringing up one child that they wanted.

Am I a parenting expert or even a parent? Hell no. And I don’t even want to be one. But experiencing abuse, first hand, kinda makes me an expert on, guess what, MY LIFE. And I don’t care if today they masquerade around like they want to spend more time with their only child, only looking out for her happiness. It doesn’t work that way and there’s another name for it – bullshit. If you’ve been a bitch to someone for almost all their life, how does being their parent mean that they should not even dislike you or want some sort of healthy distance from the shit show you make of their life? Sorry, it doesn’t work that way and IT SHOULDN’T.

Being a parent does not give you the privilege to treat, behave, bring up an unhappy child, especially since kids are fucking physically and emotionally weak. If you are unable to see that your kid is slowly distancing from you, because of your horrible behaviour which you refuse to correct after countless realisations, that’s your loss. The sooner you recognise it, the better for you. Your kid will grow up and move on/away from you. They will create a whole new world of theirs where they are accepted by their tribe, and guess who’s not invited to the dance? You.

I am an only child, no surprise there. And thank god my parents decided to have just the one kid and not weigh down another human with their toxic negativity. Seriously.

Why did I give birth to you?

No kid likes doing chores. That is not a signal for you to constantly kill their spirit if they don’t pick up a fucking sock. It’s not license to smack them over and over again, and scream why you bothered giving birth to them if they can’t even be motivated to pick up a sock. Believe you me, we have a lot of motivation – to watch our parents head explode like a watermelon under pressure.

Every human learns the value of doing their own chores. Life takes care of it, parents.

having-a-child-becoming-a-parent-jane-doh-blog

We’re fighting because of you!

Yes, everybody fights. But if your intention is to drag that poor child in between a fight with your spouse and make it all the child’s fault, please don’t have a child. Just don’t. It’s going to make the child think every fucking thing going wrong in the world is their fault. Even the twin towers crashing down could become their fault. Your child is yours to protect, not use as a shield when you’ve been a horrid human being and want to spew anger towards someone who has NO HAND in your dumb arguments with your spouse.

Give him one smack and he’ll learn.

I cannot stress this enough. If you’re going to smack your kid, that kid is going to smack you back one day. Sadly, maybe not in the literal sense, as much as you may deserve it. You are not our one and only hope of learning about life. Keep your smacking to yourself. And pick up your own sock!

Bare minimum necessities

Clothes on our body, a roof over our head, ‘education’, food on our plate, basic nourishment, LOVE, CARE, SAFETY, are the bare minimum necessities. No, I’m not being a spoilt brat. If you cannot provide this much before getting pregnant, don’t make a child. If you cannot provide this after the child is born, please leave us on the streets and we’ll probably fend for ourselves or die. Both are MUCH BETTER than you constantly reminding us of how lucky we got it. We don’t see how lucky we are amidst tears rolling down our faces after not living up to some shit standard you or this society decided. We don’t get it, and we won’t get it. Are we grateful? Yes. But whatever happened to conveying the same through love?

In short, nobody can determine the kind of parent they are going to be until they actually become a parent. Sure, I get that. Just like you expect the kid to improve themselves, be it in school or at home, your own journey of becoming a better human being does not stop. Becoming parents doesn’t mean you have attained every knowledge there is to pass on however you feel like. Children are not equipped to always speak their mind, tell you when they are hurting because of your doing. So what do children do instead? Deal with it internally, with the limited means and ways they know through their experiences.

The only time I realised the true importance of being approachable, not lashing out, truly loving someone is after I got married. I realised my way of being was just like my parents. Don’t get me wrong – my parents are the most interesting individuals in a room full of people, but nobody’s going to call you on your bullshit parenting but your own kids. And that day will come. If you are tender, caring, fun, loving, happy only around strangers and a douchebag with your family at home, it will come back and most likely, through your own child. The world around your child is much smarter than you will ever be as parents and thank god for that.

Can I choose to drop this gnawing hatred towards how much I was failed despite coming from a so-called ‘privileged’ life? Maybe. In fact, the sooner I drop it, the better for me. With every instance in my life today, I find myself facing two clear options, almost like I am in a video game and my character has come to a halt and there are two colourful buttons in front of me – accept or fight! If I was still living with my parents, I would have chosen ‘fight’ every single time. Because that’s what I was taught, by my own parents, who never had the basic sense to stop and think if what they are saying or doing is right. Monkey fucking see, monkey fucking do.

Am I a good parent?

This is a stupid question for those who aren’t parents yet. But if you are one, please answer this question from your gut. Accept the child that your partner and you have boinked out. If life is a game, you are a player too. You too always have a chance to set a better example for your child with the way you behave with them. If and only if you are willing to look within your big fat parenting ego, then you press the ‘accept’ button.

Otherwise, here’s an elegant solution.

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