My sister-in-law and her husband recently entered the big bad world of parenthood. My husband woke up in the middle of the night at 3 am and Facetime-ed his sister, just after her delivery, and feels the pain of not being in the same country, city, and hospital, as she brings into the world his first nephew. Myself, on the other hand, being an only child and having never been around babies longer than ten minutes, find it extremely difficult to feel the same as he does, when there is a baby involved. It’s like my soul floats out of my body, hovers over the entire scenario, and just watches with a weird expression on my face. I don’t have any real attachment to babies. Yes, I think we have strongly established that we both think very differently about babies.

Do you want to be my kid?

If there’s ever a time to think hard about parenthood, it’s now, as I stand at the cusp of making the decision. Is parenthood for me? More importantly, does my kid want me as their parent? The fact that there is no real answer to the second question that one actually hears, we humans assume that the baby probably whispered yes and happily go on to hump our partner and have a kid. What else could there be? I may feel the entirely opposite if I get knocked up tomorrow. And honestly, that would do me a lot better than if my view doesn’t change. Right? You guys reading this, I’m going to need a lot of constructive comments about this topic.

Screwing up your kids.

The ONLY thing that’s been a constant in this ever-changing world we live in is getting screwed by our parents. In most sane scenarios, they don’t do this on purpose. Yet, parenthood just does it. The only way to not screw another human is probably to never come in contact with them, physically, mentally, anyway-lly. And funnily, everything that occurs in this world, is a result of the different ways our parents screwed us up. And we are not going to do any different. Try as much as you can, every word, every moment, every day, every year, we inflict our views and opinions onto our children and slowly screw up another perfectly well-doing human being.

Parenting for one.

Just hear me out. We get married. We’re happy. If you want the responsibility of a baby and I don’t (I honestly don’t know yet and that’s okay), you adopt. Officially. I am willing to participate in the child’s everything. But at no point do I want to be the one holding a wailing tiny human while my husband is out there learning shit from his dumb friends about how a baby needs its mother 90% while father 10% when they’re a few months old. I just don’t and that’s okay, right? Is this idea too far-fetched? Unrealistic? I don’t want any document proving my right over the tiny human. I am fine with it.

When did ‘I love you’ mean ‘Let’s be parents’?

Seriously! Knowing fully well how I might be a flight-risk if we begin to plan a baby, my husband still insists on making a few changes to our lifestyle when we actually want a baby. Look, I understand and support parents who change their entire lives when they “PLAN” to have a baby. Good for them! I’m just saying that if you want a baby so badly, maybe try making one without throwing your partner off their game by making sex a fucking chore, a planned and synchronised activity. I’d love that kid more if I knew we made it without already beginning to sacrifice smoking a blunt before sex. If my baby knew what that felt like, believe you me, it would agree with me. And then, if and when I do get knocked up, obviously all the bad habits stop.

I do love my habits but I’m not stupid.

Anxiety and parenthood

If it wasn’t evident yet, let me make it so. I have anxiety most days. And the conversation of having a child is something I need to carefully have so as to not alarm my own self. Currently, it feels like there are only two kinds of days – one where I am barely able to lift my head and do my chores of the day and feel like a 2-month old being asked to buy groceries with their own hard-earned money, and one where my husband is the baby in my life. Amidst this, only a fool would proactively bring a(n other) baby.

*hits the gavel and flies away*

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